As we navigate our way through the Great
Unveiling of our time I found that there is a need for a laugh in the
midst of all this horror and last-minute media induced hysteria.
There are many holidays coming up soon and I thought I would share a meal and activities guide for those who were interested.
Let’s begin with an appetizer. Eat your heart out Linus because we are serving hot and steamy ‘Pumpkin Spice Ramen Noodles’:
In 3 minutes you and your family will be
enjoying this fabulously gourmet and pallet-expanding soup. (Pumpkin
seeds included in the seasoning packet, cinnamon sticks are not.)
Don’t forget to tear open a family-sized
bag of Pumpkin Spice Doritos-brand corn chips. Personally, I like to
crush up the chips and sprinkle them into the soup.
It just wouldn’t be the holiday season
without some tasty and unique desserts to serve alongside your already
diverse and once-a-year selection of food items. I suggest each guest
and family member dive straight into a bag of Pumpkin Spice Skittles and
Pumpkin Spice Jell-O Pudding:
Now if your one of those ‘flashy’ dinner hosts you can dazzle your guests with another taste bud satisfying dessert selection:
Peeps really went all out this year and
even made these to accommodate the Gluten-Free crowd (Yay me!) and those
who might need a boost in the middle of the day with a Latte flavoring
added, and yes, it has Caffeine.
I don’t know about you but nothing says
‘let’s-get-this-holiday-started’ like a few four-finger shots of
Burnett’s Pumpkin Spice Triple-Distilled Vodka:
And yes for those who don’t have an
alarmingly heavy alcohol tolerance like me you can pop open a bottle of
Jack’s Pumpkin Spice Ale (Scarecrow not included):
Now if you are having the little ones
over and they are of the picky variety, whip out some some of the
following snacks and get them on board with the holiday festivities!
Shake a can of these around and you can
bet all the kids will fly down your mistletoe-scented hallways to devour
every last crumb! Once they’re in the kitchen you can entice them with
some healthy and filling Pumpkin Spice Hummus:
And everyone knows you can’t have hummus
without some type of chips, which is why I suggest Nabisco’s Pumpkin
Spice Triscuts. A pair of flavors and textures like this only come once a
year, so don’t hesitate and treat yourself!
Whew! All this eating has made the family
and guests tired. I suppose that’s the end of the meal and wonderful
memories right? Not so fast. If those Caffeine sugar bomb Peeps didn’t
give you the boost you needed to continue the holiday cheering, I have a
solution, well actually Four Loko has a solution:
Four Loko has mastered the combination of
alcohol, sugar and caffeine to give the drinker a magnificent and
biologically confusing experience. But don’t take my word for it, grab
one for the whole family and see for-Loko yourself!
Now that we have obtained some unstable
but temporary energy, we can move on to some fun family activities.
Nothing says ‘I love my family’ like driving out to the shooting range
and learning how to shoot from Mom and Dad using Remington-brand Pumpkin
Spice Buckshot Shot-shells:
These babies will not just blow a 3 foot
hole into the intended target but leave a pleasant Pumpkin Spice smell
which lingers for up to 2 minutes.
Show them you love them by teaching your
loved ones to defend themselves with the latest and most advanced and
scented firearm, the Pumpkin Spice Glock:
Never before has the art of
sharp-shooting and clay pigeon punishing been so enjoyable with the most
up-to-date and attractively scented firearm available on the market
today.
After all is said and done, after all the
food has been eaten and all the drinks have been drunk, it’s time to
relax. But uh oh, you feel a funny feeling in your stomach. After eating
2 lifetimes worth of Pumpkin Spice products in one sitting it’s time to
release some orange demons in the Oval Office.
After first visiting the local drugstore
and picking up a bottle of Pumpkin Spice Pepto-bismal and taking 3X the
recommended serving size amount to settle that Pumpkin Spice s*** storm
brewing in your now infuriated intestines, it’s time to close the
chapter on this season’s family gathering and feasting and visit the
Porcelain Palace.
I recommend Charmin’s Pumpkin Spice 2-ply DuraClean toilet paper to ‘finish the job’:
And after hopefully not oozing Pumpkin
Spice from every one of your orifices at the same time, I suggest making
sure you clean those chompers with Crest’s Pumpkin Spice toothpaste,
made with a long-lasting Pumpkin flavor:
Seasons Greetings everyone!
P.S. After all the dishes are clean, the
toilets unclogged and all have departed back to their humble abodes,
make the most of the evening with that special someone with Durex’s
Pumpkin Spice Condoms:
